listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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