You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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