My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
