Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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