cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
