brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
