I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
