Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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