i need an iv and a liver transplant
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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