the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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