Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
