I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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