I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
