You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
