Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
