Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
