somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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