i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She announced her abortion via fbk
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
