Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
