i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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