I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
