Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You are the jesus of drinking
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