I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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