My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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