my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
