p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
