Don't you send me to vm
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
