somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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