I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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