just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
