I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
