I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
