Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
