Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My feet surprised me
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
