I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
