I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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