dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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