Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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