I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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