Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
