It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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