I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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