If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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