the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
