Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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