Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
