I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
