I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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