I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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