Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
