I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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