Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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