You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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